IT'S A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We got our precious girl! And (as if we need any more) she's going to add some PUNCH to the mix! Fo' sho'!



Labor and Delivery
(written November 15th)
Tallulah’s birth was not at all what I expected. Both of my boys were 4-hour labors from the very first twinge of pain to delivery – both of my boys were steadily consistent in contractions and pain. Riott was a very painful, labor-some birth. With Beckham, I barely knew I was in labor until it was time to push – and I didn’t even really push, my body just forced him out. Tallulah was about 7 hours of labor, with lots of concentrated effort. All I can say is my girl must take after her mama – has to do things differently, stubborn as hell, and a rebel to boot.

It’s interesting to note that Beckham was due on October 11 and came 3 days early on October 8. Tallulah had the incredibly awesome due date of 11-11-11 and also came 3 days early, on November 8. Two weeks before Riott’s birthday, a month to-the-day after Beckham’s birthday. Needless to say, fall is a very busy season for us.

The anticipation of our third baby was incredibly high. Though completely unplanned, we were ecstatic for our #3 to join us. Tyler and I both thought very strongly that we were having a girl, but we chose to wait to find out the sex. I was running around literally until the day she was born nesting like crazy – and not just preparing the house for #3’s arrival, repainting the whole house, redecorating the whole house (or as much as hubby would let me), sewing her a blanket, making her (if she was a she) hairbows, a baby doll, swaddling blankets, burp cloths, a wreath for the hospital door, finding a book for friends to sign, etc. It’s been crazy around here for months now. I’m sure Ty will love it now that I have to slow down and level out a bit.

I planned on a 3rd natural labor and delivery. Both of my others went quickly enough and with no complications that, in my mind at least, it wasn’t worth the risk to add medical interventions in the mix. I thought, “I’ve done it before. I can do it again. It hurts like hell but then it’s over, I’m holding a baby, and my recovery is quick.” This time around my anxiety about delivering was super high. My imagination ran out of control with thoughts of the “what if”s. What if something goes wrong? What if I miscarry? What if I have to deliver a still-born baby? What if I do something wrong (don’t take prenatals, am overly active, etc) and something happens to the baby? I was overwhelmed with the very real and very tragic possibilities. Those pregnancy hormones will make you crazy!!

But thankfully everything went great – with no complications at all (except for the few in my brain).


((my delivery position. this is what i looked like in between contractions.))

I labored in many positions and in the tub. My doula-aunt (who was also pregnant) showed Ty a few pressure holds for my hips and pelvis so he was right in the action through all of the most painful contractions. What a man! I ultimately delivered on the bed, on my knees, leaning against the raised portion where you lay your head - so my back was to everyone. Also, she came out still IN the amniotic sac, which is very uncommon. They had to tear it to get her out of it.





My Midwife, Jack, was a dream! He advocated several times with the nurses for me and what I wanted for a delivery. He was incredibly patient and understanding. I could not have asked for more! And when someone fights for you like that, when they are there for you in such a way at one of the most beautiful moments in your life, they become family. Here's to "uncle" Jack!



Here’s the rundown from first contraction to delivery:

-3:20am felt first contractions
-3:30am woke up and decided to shower (since showering is supposed to make you stop or progress depending on if you’re in true labor)
-4:30am texted Tonia and woke up Ty
-5:30am got to hospital and contractions had all but stopped (!!!)
First check – dilated to a 3, 70% effaced (WHAT!?). Told we may go back home (WHAT!?), but to wait it out a couple hours to see how I progress.
While Ty got breakfast, Tonia and I walked a lap and I decided that was enough since it was making my contractions come back hard and fast, and I wanted to enjoy my biscuit. However, that one lap seemed to be enough because I took about two bites and couldn’t eat any more because of my contractions.
-8:00am 2nd check – dilated to a 5, 80% effaced, contractions 3 minutes apart. Told to stay at the hospital.
-9:52am dilated to 7-8, 90% effaced
-10:17am dilated to 9.5 about to start pushing
-10:25am water started breaking
-10:45am water finished breaking, baby crowning and born

I know my labors are nothing, NOTHING in comparison to what some women have to endure. And I’m sure my hubby and doula-aunt both thought I was a big fat whiney-hiney the whole time I was in labor (there are lots of hilarious commentaries written down as my contractions were timed…). But still, this labor took me by surprise in so many ways. After delivering baby Lulah my only thought over and over was “I’m done!” and “Never again!”. But today, a week later my heart and my body think it’s not totally impossible to consider another Miglet (though daddy says we’re done!). Two days after she was born, I wrote out: “Thankful on this Thursday that the good Lord provides a void of remembrance for how tough and hard and painful childbirth truly is... otherwise, I may not have made it to my precious number 3 that's currently sitting in front of me, stealing my heart at an alarming rate.”





Her Name
Many have asked about her name and I just tell them I love the name, which is true but not the whole story (most people don’t really want to hear the whole 3-part explanation)… Tallulah actually was not the name we were set on for a girl in the beginning. With each child our “girl name” has changed. One random day somewhere in the midst of the first and second trimester, I was cleaning the boys’ room (hard to believe, I know). I wasn’t thinking about names. I wasn’t even thinking about the baby. All of a sudden, the name Tallulah popped into my head. I remember while pregnant with Beckham, I had randomly mentioned the name to Tyler and he turned his nose up immediately. I liked the name back then but it didn’t strike me enough to put it on our baby name list. This go-round was totally different. This time, Tallulah was the only name I could think about! I couldn’t get it out of my head. So I looked the meaning of the name up…



Tallulah: is of Native American Indian origin, and the meaning of Tallulah is "leaping water". Related to the Choctaw word for water, "oka.” Maybe it’s not a big deal to some, but Lindsey means “trees near water”, specifically it speaks of the Linden tree that only grows around a water source. And then, Tallulah means “leaping water”. I just fell in love with the comparisons immediately.

And THEN, I thought about the very real possibility that her nicknames might be LuLu or Lulah… growing up I was always called Lindsey-lou (“and tigger too”). So in two ways, naming our girl Tallulah, was naming her after me, her mama. Plus Tallulah starts with a “T” like her daddy, and Lulah or Lu is an “L” like her mama. Love love love.

The name also possibly derives from a Gaelic name meaning "fruitful woman"... which I hope and pray that she is, in more ways than one.

Eve came from my mother’s name Evonne. We took out the “onn” and were left with the “Eve”. And so little Tallulah Eve is named after her mama and her Vivi.



I am so smitten with my girl. She is mine. She is attaching to me very quickly and very differently than the boys did. I look at her and want to bust out crying all the time because she is so beautiful and so lovely, and simply a precious gift. All of my boys are in love with her as well. She is the perfect addition to our little Mig family of five.



Thank you to all of our nearest and dearest – we were covered in love and food and visits and gifts – welcoming our peach into the world! You are all so wonderful and we are beyond grateful to call you all friends and family!

AANNDD... we're back. (hopefully.)

blogging has been put in the backseat of this station wagon for several months now. a little after my last post, i started feeling the queezies, only to find out that #3 was on the way! yay Miggles! however i was totally out of commission for a solid 8 weeks and then after those 8 weeks had a LOT of catching up to do on the homefront. laundry was piled. groceries were scarce. toilets had rings. and babies were neglected. now, we're back(ish) on track and really hoping to get things under control (WHAT A LAUGH!) before we're out of commission again in about, oh, 16 weeks.

my due date is 11-11-11 folks. yay! what a wonderful day... that my child will no doubt refuse to be born on. thus is the life of a stubborn mother - all of her offspring follow in her footsteps.

we are not finding out the sex (again) and are so excited about the possibilities... a brood of mig boys!?!? or perhaps a lil' mig girl!?!?!? ah. can't wait!!

this child was totally unplanned (in our minds, at least). yet here we are, all excited and ready to welcome our 3rd little fall baby. in fact, this baby was SO unplanned, that all 3 of my miglets will have birthdays about 3 weeks apart from each other. FUN. not. haha!

i'm feeling great now that i've reached the glorious 2nd trimester! nesting is fab. my boys are loving feeling my tummy waiting on a kick or two. we're into the nonstop hiccup phase (also awesome - not). and things are just dandy.

in other news, riott is a little sponge. he soaks up every word he hears and learns all he can about it. a lot of things he hears are "adult words" (things he's too little to say) and he always asks when he hears something new, "mama, can i say _________?" or "Is __________ an adult word?" LOVE IT! his most recent inquiry was about the word ridiculous. since it is not an adult word, he says it as often as possible, eeeeven when it makes no sense. love my boy.

beckham is repeating EVERYTHING. and has even started two-word phrasing. :( my little sweet baby is a big boy now. i just want to CRY!!!!!!!!!!! he's growing so very fast and thinks he can absolutely do everything his brother can. he is also way, WAY sneakier than riott was. he gets up at every chance to play when he should be sleeping. he opens every door and goes into every room - even the one's he knows better. he messes in cabinets and boxes and countertops! ah! but then he gives you this look like, "aw shucks mama. you know i didn't mean to. i just love you." and all i want to do is gobble him up. I AM IN SO MUCH TROUBLE WHEN HE'S A TEENAGER.

daddy is working hard through EMT school. your prayers are ALWAYS appreciated. he's doing well but gets discouraged and frustrated often which is hard to see and hard to deal with when we have such limited time with him. he's picking it up so quickly though and i am loving seeing him excel (even though he would disagree) at something he's very good at. he'll be done with the program in december... and we'll be a family of 5...

wow 2011. you're gettin' crazy on me.

here's hoping the blog fest continues on... i can keep posting all the glorious things in my little world... and this summer heat doesn't kill me.

smile.

the end.

winter.

i've always known, believed, trusted that there was something in the seasons beyond the falling of a leaf or the blooming of a flower. something that reflects the innermost workings within us, a direct reflection of how we are made.

in college, a brilliant professor made a an illustration of how those who live in california, in the perfect spots, where the temps are always wonderful, the sunshine is always shining, and the grass is always green... that's a hard life. though you have to be seriously wealthy to be there, probably with everything you've ever "wanted", that is a hard life. it's a complacent place to be. for, life is full of change!

experiencing the new life and regeneration of spring; the freshness of summer berries and dipping into bodies of water to cool the skin amidst the hot summer sun; the crisp, cider-drinking evenings of fall as dashes of warm colors prance around on a breeze; the first snowfall of winter and the JOY within the Christmas season.... though i only listed some of the best things, each season comes with hardship and new exercises that are a must for survival, whether chopping your own wood or turning on the heat... experiencing these changes only contribute to our development and growth as a human being. we are not allowed to be complacent. though sometimes we must make due, we make due with new scenery every 3-4 months.

i recently began reading Spiritual Rhythm by Mark Buchanan. it's a book about the seasons of the soul, directly derived from the real seasons that we experience right outside our windows. it's a book i was meant to read.


it's no secret i've been in a winter season of my soul for over 5 years now. that's a hard season to be in through college, marriage, baby #1, and baby #2.

Buchanan begins his book with winter, thankfully.
he describes winter as this:

Winter shames those in it. It feels like personal failure, something we've caused, or missed, or faltered in. We chide ourselves for being there. We're sure it's our fault. We wonder if we're crazy or lazy or stupid... [our assumption is] God can't be in winter. God has abandoned me, or I have wandered from him, but this bleakness - this fruitlessness - can't be blessed by him. If I loved God, if God loved me, I wouldn't be here.

...winter feels all consuming and never ending.

he's speaking my mother-father language, no doubt. winter was definitely thrusted on by truth revealed in my college bible classes... it was accelerated after i no longer felt at home in the church i grew up in because i could no longer worship in a place that didn't value the doctrines that rocked me to my core... it stomped all over me as i came into knowledge of the disgust in our fallen world, so rotten (to the core) that we shrug our shoulders when a death sentence is delivered to a baby before a birthdate... and it kicked me while i was down as i searched for what i do believe, and a church family i could share that with.

Buchanan discusses the activities winter requires:

...winter imposes work.

Prayer is the ongoing work of winter... So [we] push ourselves beyond circumstances. [We] resist the temptation to equate circumstances with God. [We] pray not because God's been good to [us] but because God's Word says God's good, and [we're] betting the whole farm on it being so... That's Biblical faith... Winter grows pure faith.

And then the unexpected gift of winter:

Maybe the greatest gift of winter, a gift that winter alone gives, is that it makes us heavenly minded. It breaks our addiction to this worldliness and nurtures in us an anticipation of things unseen... We are not made for this world.

i haven't been faithful in my winter. i have drowned within my sorrows. i've sent blame and judgement through the flames shooting out of my mouth. i've relied on myself and my own foolish pride to get me through. my outside became hard as a rock, while my insides were swollen from the sobs that almost suffocated me. yet, God is still faithful. He still meets me, though i wasn't aware; He still picks up my drunken body, carries me through, and brings me home again.

and right on cue with the budding tree outside my window, i can see and smell and taste spring!! i hope it's coming my way! sure, i'm disappointed with my stunted growth in my winter, but maybe there's more growth than i know - besides, i'm sure to see winter again. for now, Jesus please meet me!!! and bring some flowers along with you!

"I believe every heartache and hardship, and the profound loneliness such things bring, has a back door. They allow us entry into a communion with Christ we don't usually experience in our days of ease and song. Most of us have had our deepest encounters with Christ not on mountaintops but in valley floors." Mark Buchanan, Spiritual Rhythm

all the mamas

a new, but dearer-by-the-moment, friend asked for guests to write out advice for her as a part of her baby shower gift. knowing me, you know i forgot mine all those months ago. and now, as she's due very soon, i almost missed the opportunity to share with her the things i would pass on to another. and so randomly, we get to meet together to talk. talk of mommy-ing, talk of water births, talk of doulas, and talk of new life. i'm beyond excited for our spontaneous meeting, and thrilled at the last-minute-ness of it all. what do you have in store Lord?

as i wrote out my "advice", it hit me that the things i would've put 2 or 3 years ago are long gone, and in their stead is absolutely nothing i could've guessed. i wrote it very naturally, without much thought. then, as i re-read i saw words that startled me - words of grace, trust, prayer, and faith.

i have admittedly been in a winter, a dark night of the soul, for years now. part of it was thrusted on by adulthood. i'm not sure about the other parts... all i know is i've been waiting, feeling lost, feeling empty, begging God to meet me and bring back the joy and purpose and intensity that i knew in my youth.

the words on the card revealed such an intimate faith, so intimate in fact, i wasn't even consciously aware of it's presence and growth. my scratched letters show the revealing trials i have endured and the lessons learned (and am still learning). our God is so faithful. He meets us even when we are unaware. He picks us up and carries us in our lethargy. He grows us and tends to us when we're looking in the other direction.

motherhood has forever changed this girl.. and will continue to shake me and break me. i am absolutely stunned silent at the joy of my children. and i lay on my face in humble worship of the God Who meets me in this place.

when ty is out of town, i often find the days longer, the joy fleeting, and the exhaustion unending. no breaks. no peace. no moments to do what i love most - reflect. ty left for a 5-day trip that was over a weekend and i dreaded the days that should've been restful; they usually feel like subsequent mondays. thanks to my tuesday morning bible study, i was reminded to simply pray for the Spirit, and i prayed He would show me how to love my boys better (a frequent prayer) and to enjoy them without the stress of flying solo. before i knew it the weekend was over and i don't think i've had that many baby kisses in the 3+ years i've had my boys! we played, we cuddled, we danced, we sang. and we all enjoyed every second of it. i didn't even notice my gift until the trip was over, dad was home, and i had a moment to do my favorite thing - reflect. and as soon as i started thinking back, my heart fluttered with gratitude. we serve a faithful God.

the prayer of my heart is consistency in my meetings with Him. all the time. not forgotten and not taken for granted. i know i'll never achieve this on my own, it is only done through Him, though i must still ask, seek, knock.


Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:7-12

the Bride

i am learning what it looks like to be a member of the body.

and as i shudder at all the mistakes i've made, all the brothers and sisters i've hurt, all the times i've chosen selfishness over loving another, i know i must move on because i have been forgiven.

being a member of the Church is not easy. it's dirty. messy. tiring. stretching. and very often leaves you feeling broken. for, it's "not supposed to" be this way. and it's not. but we can't live without Her, the Bride.

and then, sometimes, She gives you a glimpse of what is to come. in a friend, someone who loves you deeply even though you've only known one another for a tiny spec of time. in a group, sharing time together, growing in your knowledge and peace and vulnerability. in an opportunity, to share your creativity. in a new attempt, bringing congregations together, language-barriers together, old wounds and old fears together.

you don't realize how much of a wounded person you've become until, for a brief second, you are mostly healed, before it fades again and you see your wounds and feel your wounds screaming out at you.

liar. scarred. prideful. guarded. terrified. judgmental. envious.

i have so much to learn. i have so very far to go. and i have a feeling i'm not going to get there alone. i am ever so thankful for Her. because with Her, i get those brief moments of healing, and then She pushes me on. generations past and present. there is power in the Body. all thanks be to the Groom.

C.S. Lewis:
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

a little UMPH

i love new years... and how it forces this inner surge. almost as intense as nesting during pregnancy. i get all these ideas and thoughts and wants. i feel strong. i feel motivated. i feel like i really can change... and i can, but not on my own.

and it doesn't come at a better time than in the middle of winter. cold. short days. stuck inside. feet having to be covered, restricting layers having to be worn. this time of new and growth is a MUCH needed one - because the season itself is not about newness or growth.

speaking of, i spent an entire 12 hours around new years thinking i was pregnant. it was perfect. perfect timing - another 23 month separation. pregnant with at least 2 of my very best friends. perfect season - september delivery - a SUMMER-ish baby!! perfect planning, though "unplanned". but alas, i was not pregnant. which gave me a whole new surge! we will NOT be trying again until july (i refuse to have another holiday or birthday between october and february - all 4 birthdays, not to mention other 5 major holidays to celebrate). and there are many reasons to be on my feet - hooting and hollering about my non-pregnancy!
-may will be our first anniversary in 4 years where i am not pregnant or nursing through the night!
-i can actually attempt to not have a "i just had a baby" body this summer!
-we won't have the next one before ty is out of school!!!

i am still a bit sad, because, for 12 entire hours my mind and heart had already shifted into new baby mode. reality hit me like a rock.

but at this very moment, i am content. for at least 6 more months i can focus on my 3 boys. our goals. our life. our love.

my (everyday)/2011 new years' resolution:

-to love my Lord. He's often the last thing on my mind. after a day filled with playdates and diapers, dishes and bedtimes, i lay my head down to rest, and think "shoot! all day and this is the only time i have prayed." though that's only partially true - it's the only time i've consciously directed my thoughts toward prayer - it still feels lazy and unintentional. to love Him - to start each day asking forgiveness, with the knowledge and admittance that i can't do it. He is my all in all. i trust Him. i need Him. i long for Him. i desperately want to know Him.

-to love my man hard. i want him to know just how good he is. the best husband a girl could wish for. the best dad a mom could dream of. the best friend possible. THE. BEST. MAN. FOR. US.

-to love my babies. make more memories. less laziness. more play. less yelling. more teaching. less controlling. more fun. more learning. more trusting. more growing together.

-to love my friends. 2010 was pretty much an unbeatable year as far as friends go. i've been given a life-friend, and she loves me so good. and i've had a life-friend who's really taught me how to love others. i want to give that back.

-to make my house a home. they key word being "make". it's what you make of it. and not just in decor (though that's the fun part). cleaning, folding, picking up, putting back, wiping, dusting, decluttering, washing. all of these (suck! yes... but not where i was going.) make a house a home. the laundry and dishes i hate putting away, means people i love are being fed and are clothed. the meals i don't like to cook (sorry betty crockers, it's not in me to be a cook-er) means we get to sit around the table together and fill our bellies with nourishment, and fill our hearts with conversation. the bathrooms i hate to clean, mean we get bath time, and potty training, and tooth brushing, and hair fixing - daily tasks, lifelong memories. the toys that i step on right in the arch of my foot (and make me cuss reeeeally quietly though i want to scream so loud so everyone knows how bad it hurts) means my babies are growing! and learning! and playing! (and i should wear shoes. :)

i love being motivated. i hope i don't lose the momentum...

jaw dropping

weeks went by. my mind was casually recalling more important information and i was giving little thought to the whole "sperm donor" shenanigans.

then one day, it hit. and that was it. i could think of nothing else. so random. so i went to eric's tightly guarded facebook site expecting to see that profile picture of the christian flag, but alas! it was gone. and in it's place was a picture of eric, a new one i had not seen before.

this was shocking to me because it seemed like perhaps he had forgotten his worries, or merely assumed those worries had moved on, so he let his guard down and put his "face" back up.

to me, this was a sign. i pretty much knew where the relationship was going to end up, but i didn't want it to get there so casually. i needed eric to know a few things. and i wanted to know his response.

so i took one of my "old" drafts written weeks ago, blew off the dust, and sent it to him. this is what it read (after many, MANY corrections, re-wordings, proof-readings, etc.):

Eric,

Thanks for the info. It is very reassuring to know I come from good health and long living folks.

I've known about you for 17 years; I'll be 26 this month. Everything I know is contained in an old raggedy cowboy-boot box that is probably older than me. It contains a few pictures, court documents, letters, and random items.

You've known about me for all of my 26 years. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed by your lack of interest in me or my life. I guess I set my expectations too high. I also realize it may have been a total shock to hear from me. Now, I hope that the shock has worn off a little. I realize there is a very real possibility that you want little or nothing to do with me - my proof lies in the fact you tightened your facebook security and changed your profile picture to that of the Christian flag, not to mention your matter-of-fact response to my initial email.

Two things you should know:
1) I'm a believer, Eric. Our God is the same One. And I need Him more than the breath I breathe each second.
2) I do realize you were probably in an extremely difficult spot 26 years ago.

Lindsey

there it is. all of it. laid on the line.

like i said, i knew the probability that he wanted nothing to do with me was high but i needed him to know our shared faith and that i'm not "out to get him" for abandoning me. i knew, regardless of his response, that God was in control of this situation. thankfully. i knew that the Holy Spirit would move in ways that i would probably never know of. i knew that my heart was safe.

eric responded within the next day.

I'm very sorry if I misunderstood your expectations in your first message. I meant no harm or angst in my response - I was merely providing an honest answer to your question concerning my family's history and health.
You are statement was correct about my privacy. I guard my personal life very closely, and am prone to avoid conflict. I therefore request no further contact.

now, i'll give you a moment if you need to pick your jaw up off the floor like i did. for about 3 hours, i was crushed. 3 hours of bitterness. 3 hours of anger. 3 hours of sadness.

and then, it was all gone. just as it had come. the Spirit was working in me, comforting me, and bringing the peace only He can offer. and now, i leave it all to Him. i've said my piece. i'm done. if anything is ever to come of this relationship, it will come from eric's prompting. (unless it's an emergency. and if that's the case, you better believe i will disregard any request for no contact.) and while i still have hopes to meet my siblings some day, i'm letting God work out all the details.

i've had enough drama for awhile.