about our elephant

Thursday, October 1

i was that girl... who is this woman?

remember high school. the days when you were carefree, had no responsibilities, and felt you could take on the world... well, i did.

each day i "took on the world for Christ". blared my christian music on the way to and from school. stood in the prayer circle during break. drug my friends to wednesday night services. sat in the front row during worship. took tons of notes from the topical sermons. spoke at FCA. volunteered every time the church doors were open. went on mission trips. signed my contract of celibacy until marriage. had my jesus fish on my car and my bible in my backpack. i was so secure in my faith! i knew i could do anything with God on my side. i could go on... and on, and on.

i'm not saying i was perfect (i was a typical teen) and i'm not discrediting any of those things that i did or felt. i am saying, that person who did those things, and lived that way, was ignorant... ignorant, yet quite blissful.

when i went away to college - reality hit. reality of who Christ is. reality of the world around me, over the seas, and into the skies. my professors forced me to ask myself the defining questions of my faith - Who is Jesus Christ? what has He really done for me? why do i believe and follow Him? why do i believe in ________ (believers baptism, instant/progressive salvation, the Church, etc.)? what happens during _________ (communion, baptism, salvation, etc.)? what does scripture teach about these things? and as i read and researched an answered the questions (with more than the "church" answer), i slowly became disconnected from those previously listed practices and defining traits of my "christian" faith.

i was lost - searching and unable to relate. it brought the realizations that God is so much bigger... i am capable of so little; on my own i am filthy and rugged... christian music is not the only music, beer is not Satan's gateway to sin, living the christian life does not mean looking happy and put together all the time, Jesus is not defined by the fish on my car or the bracelet on my arm, etc. "12 steps to living the christian life" was no longer a book i was interested in. in fact, the purpose and mission behind an actual christian bookstore seemed - ridiculous.

the faith i had known was shattered. 19 years of teaching and training had been flipped upside down and shaken around! so much went out the window.

and there i was. thoughtful. more honest. more aligned with God's truth - all truth. but wandering. searching. and still, lost.

i came home and had a baby... we bought a house... eventually found a new church that was aligned with my newer standards of faith... baby #2 is on the way.

i stay home with my little loves, try to run a household, and live the life of a mid-twenty something.

i know who my God is and i trust Him, His will, His ways... but i am still searching. what does it mean to follow Him now? who am i in Him? what does He want from me and for me? what does it mean to be a mommy to a little boy that will one day be on his own? how do i teach him, grow him in the Lord? how do i love him? when we say prayers at night does he realize the truths being taught to him?

i didn't map out my newfound realizations of faith only 2-3 years ago. and everyday my identity changes... details of my life change.

as i continue waiting for God to meet me and i seek out His will... i sit at the back, i don't comment where i once would have... i listen... i analyze... i hope and pray for guidance. i know to others i may seem unsocial or maybe unspiritual. that's not the case.

i'm just trying to figure out - who i am.

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