Romans 7 - 15For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate... 18For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. 19For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. 20But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me... 24Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? 25Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Thursday, May 20
in college, my roommate "flash" and i would spontaneously slam smack each other in the forehead. i don't know why, but any time we saw an open opportunity we jumped. cautiously moving in closer so as not to cause any concern for alarm, we'd patiently wait for the perfect unsuspecting moment and go in for the kill! SMACK! then we'd be left holding our throbbing tomato forehead, wiping the leftover spit from the attack, and laughing so hard we could barely breathe. it was gnarly. it was brilliant. it sits in the box of my favorite memories.
sometimes i get in random funks. like, out of nowhere, BAM! smack-me-across-the-forehead-then-i'm-stuck-wiping-leftover-saliva-from-my-brow kind of funks. yesterday was one of those days.
on the outside i was fully functioning and normal... on the inside i was curled up in the fetal position sobbing, hoping anyone, anywhere would hear and come running. hah. and now that i think of it, all of that mess and i don't think i cried one. bloomin'. tear.
that's the problem. i'm so used to keeping my defenses up and putting on an "oh yeah! i'm fine" face, i'm forgetting how to take my defenses down and just weep. my walls are becoming so permanent that they are beginning to define me, instead of me opening and closing them as i used to be able to do.
the person i am on a daily basis - that is not me. that is not what's on the inside. i don't do the things i want to do, i don't say the things i want to speak, i don't laugh the full-bellied, ab workout laughs that i used to. dang. those were so much fun. when, i'd wake up in the morning and still feel a twinge of soreness from the laugh that grasped my entire body the day before. tears streaming and all. i don't love the way my heart longs to. i don't embrace people like my soul really really wants to.
this allows me to cut myself off from people that would love me and allow me to heal in their friendship. i have such a mess going on inside of me... i need some serious healing.
i mentioned to an out-of-state friend yesterday how being a SAHM contributes a bit to my crazy, mainly b/c i can't hide from myself and my babies day-in and day-out the way i might be able to hide myself and hide from myself in front of other adults - in a grown-up, work setting. staying home definitely has it's downsides, but i consider this one of the many, many positives. i don't want to get any crazier, so i should deal with all the junk in my trunk (figuratively speaking, obviously) as frequently as i possibly can!!!
what a mess. :)