about our elephant

Tuesday, December 14

jaw dropping

weeks went by. my mind was casually recalling more important information and i was giving little thought to the whole "sperm donor" shenanigans.

then one day, it hit. and that was it. i could think of nothing else. so random. so i went to eric's tightly guarded facebook site expecting to see that profile picture of the christian flag, but alas! it was gone. and in it's place was a picture of eric, a new one i had not seen before.

this was shocking to me because it seemed like perhaps he had forgotten his worries, or merely assumed those worries had moved on, so he let his guard down and put his "face" back up.

to me, this was a sign. i pretty much knew where the relationship was going to end up, but i didn't want it to get there so casually. i needed eric to know a few things. and i wanted to know his response.

so i took one of my "old" drafts written weeks ago, blew off the dust, and sent it to him. this is what it read (after many, MANY corrections, re-wordings, proof-readings, etc.):
Eric,

Thanks for the info. It is very reassuring to know I come from good health and long living folks.

I've known about you for 17 years; I'll be 26 this month. Everything I know is contained in an old raggedy cowboy-boot box that is probably older than me. It contains a few pictures, court documents, letters, and random items.

You've known about me for all of my 26 years. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed by your lack of interest in me or my life. I guess I set my expectations too high. I also realize it may have been a total shock to hear from me. Now, I hope that the shock has worn off a little. I realize there is a very real possibility that you want little or nothing to do with me - my proof lies in the fact you tightened your facebook security and changed your profile picture to that of the Christian flag, not to mention your matter-of-fact response to my initial email.

Two things you should know:
1) I'm a believer, Eric. Our God is the same One. And I need Him more than the breath I breathe each second.
2) I do realize you were probably in an extremely difficult spot 26 years ago.

Lindsey

there it is. all of it. laid on the line.

like i said, i knew the probability that he wanted nothing to do with me was high but i needed him to know our shared faith and that i'm not "out to get him" for abandoning me. i knew, regardless of his response, that God was in control of this situation. thankfully. i knew that the Holy Spirit would move in ways that i would probably never know of. i knew that my heart was safe.

eric responded within the next day.
I'm very sorry if I misunderstood your expectations in your first message. I meant no harm or angst in my response - I was merely providing an honest answer to your question concerning my family's history and health.
You are statement was correct about my privacy. I guard my personal life very closely, and am prone to avoid conflict. I therefore request no further contact.

now, i'll give you a moment if you need to pick your jaw up off the floor like i did. for about 3 hours, i was crushed. 3 hours of bitterness. 3 hours of anger. 3 hours of sadness.

and then, it was all gone. just as it had come. the Spirit was working in me, comforting me, and bringing the peace only He can offer. and now, i leave it all to Him. i've said my piece. i'm done. if anything is ever to come of this relationship, it will come from eric's prompting. (unless it's an emergency. and if that's the case, you better believe i will disregard any request for no contact.) and while i still have hopes to meet my siblings some day, i'm letting God work out all the details.

i've had enough drama for awhile.

3 comments:

  1. Lindsey--I have been riveted by this whole story! How difficult, and how wearying! But how simple, now that it's done! I'm so happy to know you, and am anxious to know you better, and am praying for your heart. :)
    Elizabeth

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  2. I know that must have been beyond devastating, Lindsey. I'm so grateful to God for your spirit and your attitude about the whole situation. I'll be praying that God protects you from bitterness.

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  3. Lindsey, I'm sorry that Eric doesn't know what he's missing out on. And I'm only joking a little when I say that at least you married into a pretty okay family. We sure love you!

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