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Thursday, December 9

matter of fact

the following days after i sent my first message to eric were filled with nerves. we're talking 17 years of buildup here. 17 years of wondering if i was missed, or even thought about. 17 years knowing he was out there.

first and foremost, i needed him to respond with my medical info. my mom told me that my paternal grandmother died in her 40's from cancer, and initially got the cancer in college. scary stuff. second, i really wanted to know what he thought about me... i thought of all the different responses there might be:
of course the obvious - total rejection, no different from the day he walked away from our matching dna on his paternity test.
but there was a glimmer of hope that maybe he would be kind.
or maybe he'd be sorrowful that he'd discarded me so easily out of his life.
though totally unrealistic, my mind did wander to the possibility of that we'd have a magical, movie ending - where he is overcome with joy that i'd entered into his life, introduce me to my siblings - and them to their nephews, kiss his grandbabies, and we'd all skip off into the sunset as one big happy family.

here's a comparison shot of us at around the same age. (sorry. i literally could not find ONE picture of me NOT smiling, except after labor -which you're not seeing, and when i was dressed as a pot-bellied redneck for halloween at 8.5 months pregnant.) any doubts???

and here is a picture of my mom and eric - fireworks hanging out of his pocket and all.

before i sent my first message, i was sure to get as much info from his page as possible and save the links, just in case he vanished or tightened his security settings. smart girl i was. i also changed my profile picture to one of my riott, knowing no one could resist that face. the next day, i changed it to one of my face full-on so that eric could see how much i resembled him, moreso than any of his other children.

i am not a stalker, i am simply internet savvy. :) once i found eric, within a matter of minutes i found my siblings, my paternal grandfather, and i even have a residential address now. i have at least 3 half siblings, two girls and a boy. the oldest girl is about 6 years younger than i so there's a large age gap between us. both girls are in college. i want to know them. i want them to know me and my happy little family. how and if that will ever happen is a mystery.

eric responded 36 hours after my first attempt at contact.

Hi Lindsey,

Well, I must admit that I was a bit taken aback upon receiving a message from someone so far removed in my past. And yes, I will gladly provide you with information on my family's medical history.

My mother was young, 46 years old, when she passed away from cancer. She battled various forms of it for over half of her life. Ironically, my mother's death from cancer is an anomoly when compared to the rest of my family. Typically both sides have seen family members live into their late 80s. Need to also mention, and although I cannot say that her cancer was caused by it, but my mother smoked until she was about 35 years old.

No other members have suffered from cancer at young ages, and the most common medical issue is high blood pressure that can be controlled through medication. One of my grandfathers suffered a mild stroke in his late 70's (he had high blood pressure) - he smoked for nearly his entire life, and still lived to be nearly 90 years old. We've had two cases that involved aneurysms, and in both instances the person lived into the mid-70s. Both cases also involved people who smoked and consumed significant amounts of alcohol throughout their lifetimes.

Other than the above, both sides of the family live very long lives, and those that seem to have had problems also had other habits that were a bit unhealthy.

Lindsey, I hope that this is helpful, and reassuring to you that medical issues in my family are pretty rare. I'll be happy to provide more details as needed to clarify.


within 24 hours after i sent my initial contact, eric tightened up his security settings so much so that i could see nothing on his profile except his picture - which was changed from a picture of his face to that of the christian flag.

and that was that. as a matter of fact.


i wrote about 5 different drafts over the next several days of what i wanted to say next, full-on knowing that he was neither ready or willing for me to enter his world.

at first i was bitter. so angry at his cool collective self. he has flesh and blood grandbabies now, for crying out loud. how can you be hardened to that?!... then i was anxious - what can i do next? how can i persuade him that i'm worthy of him?... and then i was back to normal. totally relaxed. feeling blessed beyond belief with my family, friends, and the daddy that God Himself gave to me. (just for the record, i do NOT have a "daddy sized hole" in my heart that i want eric or somebody to fill. my mom married when i was 14 months old to the dad i always knew and grew up with and he was more than a girl could ever dream of. i realize now how many father wounds i avoided by having my dad enter my world. i am beyond grateful for him and the fact that he saved me from the damage eric could have done.)

as advised by a mentor, i waited. waited to see if eric would attempt to contact me again. waited on instruction from the Lord. waited.

she sent me this verse:

10 Who among you fears the LORD
and obeys the word of his servant?
Let the one who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD
and rely on their God.
11 But now, all you who light fires
and provide yourselves with flaming torches,
go, walk in the light of your fires
and of the torches you have set ablaze.
This is what you shall receive from my hand:
You will lie down in torment. isaiah50.10-11

waiting is a very uncomfortable place for me. i want to control the situation. i want to make things work. i want to manipulate the circumstances so i get the outcome i want. but instead, i waited. i waited for so long that i went days without even thinking about him... and forgetting to pray about the situation because it simply was not on my mind. when i did think about it, i prayed about it and started feeling peace and a detachment from it all. which my mind told me was not good, but my heart was thankful to have a break from it all.

then one random day, i could think of nothing else. so i checked his fb page, and his picture had changed again...

1 comment:

  1. Wow-you do look just like a stunningly beautiful female version of him! I really admire your being so open about this and sharing your story. Love you, friend.