about our elephant

Wednesday, December 8

REJECT. part 1.

i have faced a lot of rejection in the past couple years of my life. more rejection than i have ever had to deal with. and though it's rough, it's not what i expected. mostly, rejection is very lonely. i don't care that i'm unwanted; that's nothing new. the hurt comes in all the unanswered questions.

several weeks ago i found someone that i'd been searching for for years. and i contacted him.

when i was in the 5th grade, i became extremely aware that something was off. i was literally IN the photos from my parents wedding. so i asked my mom about it.

she disappeared for a bit and then came into the room with a ragged cowboy boot box. within that box were pictures, letters, class schedules, notes, receipts, and court documents all from a time far beyond my memory and even a bit beyond my existence.

she met a man in college. they fell in love. were engaged to be married. and then 6 weeks before the wedding, he found out she was pregnant and demanded she abort the baby. she declined. he disappeared. he then reappeared for DNA testing and court settlement. he said the files were to be sealed and he was never to be contacted.

i was the baby he wanted aborted; he is my biological father.

friends and i often teased of the things we would do when and if we ever found him. like randomly drive to his house one day, ring the door bell, when he answered punch him in the face and say something along the lines of, "hey ass! i'm the daughter you never wanted!" LOL. i knew it wouldn't go down like that. but it was fun and refreshing to think about.

i didn't know how to find him. he was in the military so he moved around a ton. and he had a name, literally as common as john smith, well, almost.

through a series of events (and it took a lot of time and labor) i found him on facebook. yes, facebook. how i do love the internet!! and don't downplay the research it took just because i'm not listing it. i merely thought i'd spare you the months worth of accounts, google searches, rabbit trails, and the like.

and as soon as i found him, i found his wife, his (at least) 3 kids - my 1/2 siblings, and my grandfather - who i'm sure is the only one other than my father who knows of my existence.

so what did i do when i found him? well, i wrote him a message. and it went a little something like this...


My name is Lindsey ... Hi. I am your biological daughter. I have been looking for you for quite some time! And am so thankful to have finally found you!! I am NOT contacting you to cause any trouble. (Though I would like the opportunity to know my half-siblings, I will stay quiet if you'd like.) All I am looking for is medical information. You see, I have two babies of my own (3 and 1) and I plan on having more. It's quite troubling when I go to my prenatal appointments, or sick visits at the pediatrician and they want me to fill out papers on family medical history, and I can only give them 50%. Also, I am aware that my biological grandmother passed away quite young, and I'd like that information in order to keep a close watch on myself as well.

Thanks for considering my request. I'll give you any other information you'd like about myself or my life.

It's nice to finally see what you look like, other than in a 26-year-old picture. You look - the same. :)


eric did respond... and that information will make it's way to you in my next post.



  1. Oh my goodness, Linds. That's crazy! How brave of you to message him, I would have been terrified (though I'm sure you were.) Your message was very well written and thought out. Admittedly, I'm on the edge of my seat to find out what he replied! Praying for you!

  2. Deuteronomy 10:18 came to mind when I read this. I am so sad reading your first paragraph. You are far from unwanted, sweet friend! Isaiah 30:18 is such a precious reminder of this. You are loved by many-don't be deceived because of one man with whom you happen to share genetic material. I am so grateful your Mom made the right decision to have you!