i am learning what it looks like to be a member of the body.
and as i shudder at all the mistakes i've made, all the brothers and sisters i've hurt, all the times i've chosen selfishness over loving another, i know i must move on because i have been forgiven.
being a member of the Church is not easy. it's dirty. messy. tiring. stretching. and very often leaves you feeling broken. for, it's "not supposed to" be this way. and it's not. but we can't live without Her, the Bride.
and then, sometimes, She gives you a glimpse of what is to come. in a friend, someone who loves you deeply even though you've only known one another for a tiny spec of time. in a group, sharing time together, growing in your knowledge and peace and vulnerability. in an opportunity, to share your creativity. in a new attempt, bringing congregations together, language-barriers together, old wounds and old fears together.
you don't realize how much of a wounded person you've become until, for a brief second, you are mostly healed, before it fades again and you see your wounds and feel your wounds screaming out at you.
liar. scarred. prideful. guarded. terrified. judgmental. envious.
i have so much to learn. i have so very far to go. and i have a feeling i'm not going to get there alone. i am ever so thankful for Her. because with Her, i get those brief moments of healing, and then She pushes me on. generations past and present. there is power in the Body. all thanks be to the Groom.
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.