a new, but dearer-by-the-moment, friend asked for guests to write out advice for her as a part of her baby shower gift. knowing me, you know i forgot mine all those months ago. and now, as she's due very soon, i almost missed the opportunity to share with her the things i would pass on to another. and so randomly, we get to meet together to talk. talk of mommy-ing, talk of water births, talk of doulas, and talk of new life. i'm beyond excited for our spontaneous meeting, and thrilled at the last-minute-ness of it all. what do you have in store Lord?
as i wrote out my "advice", it hit me that the things i would've put 2 or 3 years ago are long gone, and in their stead is absolutely nothing i could've guessed. i wrote it very naturally, without much thought. then, as i re-read i saw words that startled me - words of grace, trust, prayer, and faith.
i have admittedly been in a winter, a dark night of the soul, for years now. part of it was thrusted on by adulthood. i'm not sure about the other parts... all i know is i've been waiting, feeling lost, feeling empty, begging God to meet me and bring back the joy and purpose and intensity that i knew in my youth.
the words on the card revealed such an intimate faith, so intimate in fact, i wasn't even consciously aware of it's presence and growth. my scratched letters show the revealing trials i have endured and the lessons learned (and am still learning). our God is so faithful. He meets us even when we are unaware. He picks us up and carries us in our lethargy. He grows us and tends to us when we're looking in the other direction.
motherhood has forever changed this girl.. and will continue to shake me and break me. i am absolutely stunned silent at the joy of my children. and i lay on my face in humble worship of the God Who meets me in this place.
when ty is out of town, i often find the days longer, the joy fleeting, and the exhaustion unending. no breaks. no peace. no moments to do what i love most - reflect. ty left for a 5-day trip that was over a weekend and i dreaded the days that should've been restful; they usually feel like subsequent mondays. thanks to my tuesday morning bible study, i was reminded to simply pray for the Spirit, and i prayed He would show me how to love my boys better (a frequent prayer) and to enjoy them without the stress of flying solo. before i knew it the weekend was over and i don't think i've had that many baby kisses in the 3+ years i've had my boys! we played, we cuddled, we danced, we sang. and we all enjoyed every second of it. i didn't even notice my gift until the trip was over, dad was home, and i had a moment to do my favorite thing - reflect. and as soon as i started thinking back, my heart fluttered with gratitude. we serve a faithful God.
the prayer of my heart is consistency in my meetings with Him. all the time. not forgotten and not taken for granted. i know i'll never achieve this on my own, it is only done through Him, though i must still ask, seek, knock.
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:7-12