about our elephant

Tuesday, February 28

muddle fuddle

this is going to be the everything/random post. ha. as if the rest are something different.

1- i really like having some nights to myself. when ty started working his nightshift job several years back, at first i HATED it. every little noise, even the a/c turning on, would instantly make my brain go to: "SHOULD I GO GET THE GUN!?!?!?!? THIS MAY BE MY ONLY CHANCE AT SAVING US!" then it became normal. THEN i began to love it and i started getting stuff done. stuff i LIKED to get done - crafts got crafted, movies that he wouldn't like got watched, i stayed up super late just because. soon he'll be gone every 3rd night when he gets on shift. i have a feeling my crafts will be getting done, my blog will be more frequently updated then, and my brain will be rejuvenated with more casual reading very soon. I LOVE having my man home. but mama's gotta' have some time to herself too.

2- what is it in our dna that makes our babies the way they are? ALL THREE of them have been identical in many aspects. they all try to hold their head up as soon as they exit my hoohoo. they ALL have insane gas - so much so they need to be moved/bounced non-stop to relieve their upset tummies (aka to be in a decent mood). they all have HATED being babies - no cuddles here. no cradle hold in mama's arms. oh no. definitely no laying down. they all say "HOLD ME UP. ALL THE TIME. I WANT TO SEE AND BE A PART OF EVERYTHING GOING ON AROUND ME. OH. AND BY THE WAY, DON'T STOP MOVING."

3- tallulah is a mama's girl! and that's it! daddy gets brief visitations here and there but mama better be real close by. and she's teething. drooling everywhere. poor girl. it's been a rough week and a half. she's still the most precious thing ever!!

4- 40 DAYS FOR LIFE recently began their spring campaign. constantly thinking of ways we could participate at our nearest abortion clinic as a little family. they are close to the road so no standing with a 4mo old, 2 year old, and 4 year old - not practical. maybe take lunch? maybe make signs for the kids to color at the clinic and then leave them with other volunteers. i think it is so so important that these people who are so close to sacrificing their own child, be face-to-face with a living breathing little person - last chance. and it's equally important that my children learn they need to speak up for those who can't speak for themselves, from as early as they can remember.

5- my story is too long to share on this blog. most could care less to read that much about my personal life anyway. but, i am and have been so lost for the past several years. not LOST lost. just wandering around completely bewildered. like a drunk person in the middle of the forest. or the desert. or the ocean. just drunk. and lost. read this today. i will elaborate on the words that sang to my soul. thank GOD for the living and active WORD.

a clean heart create for me, o god, and a steadfast spirit renew within me...

((i want a clean heart. i need a clean heart. i LONG FOR a clean heart. but i can't do it. he has to create it for me. and a steadfast spirit - good grief - what i wouldn't give to be steadfast. to stop swishing around like ripples in the water. to be steadfast. renew it. give it back.))
give me back the joy of your salvation and a willing spirit sustain in me...

((give me BACK the joy of your salvation... bc it's long gone. peace'd out a looong time ago. and a WILLING spirit. i'm such an effing rebel. what the heck. SUSTAIN IT IN ME. i can't make it happen. only he can.))
o lord, open my lips, and my mouth shall proclaim your praise.

((i literally cannot even open my own mouth to praise him. he has to manually open my lips for me.))
psalm 51:12,14,17

this is literally where i am. no spiritual growth here. no topical discussions. no holiness. simple, basic wandering. longing for him to open my mouth so i can utter a word to him. desperate to be steadfast in his love. screaming for willingness. pleading for the joy of salvation.

and wondering, isn't it CRUCIAL that i have all of this nailed down while raising my children. gah. praying that he scoops them up and claims them before i can destroy them. ((this isn't my way of screaming WOE IS ME, or begging for pity. no. please don't. i know that my children's salvation is totally and completely the work of the lord. this is me wallowing in my sin and realizing just how filthy and dirty and mucky i am. i learn it more and more every stinkin' day.))

and on a lighter note

6- i am starting this little easy work out to try and squeeze my mushy self into a bathing suit this summer withOUT self loathing...

thinking "i'll start slow. no need to kill myself." today i did 10 squats (with no weight) and 15 lunges (with no weight) aaaannnddd almost fell over. my legs felt like spaghetti. i squatted down to pick up tallulah and almost fell on her. ha. way to go mama, way to go.

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