about our elephant

Wednesday, May 23

sink or swim

as i was as-always over analyzing every thought that ran through my head at church on sunday, a picture danced into my brain. this brief picture gave me a glimpse of where i've been for so long. the picture: me. in open water. the middle of the ocean. a gray, dreary day. no sun. no waves. just me. doing everything i can to stay afloat. and looking, as i would assume, like someone about to give up, about to take their last breath, and sink beneath the waves. every bit of my face underwater, all but my lips. my body rhythmically treading, giving every single bit of strength i have to stay afloat. to stay alive. but so close, to letting go. "THAT'S IT!!!!!!" i thought to myself. that's exactly where i am. drowning in the world of excuses and distractions, drowning in myself, when all i need is to be hoisted up into the air - plunged into breath that doesn't require work. "oh, i've never left the water." my thoughts continued. "even if it was just my foot still touching a bit of damp sand on the shore, i've never left the water. but i've been in much better circumstances than almost drowning myself." but then, something in my thoughts shifted. "no, no, no. that's not it." God is the water, the Living Water. being in sync with Him, in harmony with Him, in stride with Him, THAT is the water. living for myself, my wants, my longings, my impatience, my guilt, my greed, my judgements - that is the air. the air that i won't stop breathing. the air that i refuse to quit sucking in. oh, to just sink. to let the currents of His love carry me. to die. die to myself. and only live because He lives in me. only love because He first loved me. to be washed in the water of His saving grace. to float in His mercies. i am not dichotomizing my worlds here. isn't it remarkable? i don't remember a day in my life where i didn't believe Jesus saved me from sin, death, and certain destruction, yet i still battle the same basic, elementary issues as i did the very first time i could mentally asses them. thankful today for a merciful God. and thankful for Spirit-filled preaching, from His Holy Word.

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